I’ve spent my time on tumblr today deleting old posts. In my constant struggle deciding just how grown up I want to be at this point in my life, I’m having a hard time just flat out giving up on this website. I have put years and thoughts and tears into contributing to this blog and it’s a hard thing to give up. I have put here every exciting moment of my life but more often every heartbreak and sad thought. It’s truly nauseating to read it all over now.
The posts I have deleted so far and that I will continue to delete were made by a different person. They were mostly sad songs, sadder quotes, photos of me looking sad, occasionally funny, rarely original, and always unnecessary. I posted a lot of shoes that I wanted, men that were attractive, and women that were too skinny and perfect to idolize. There were some great memories and inside jokes from college and weird text exchanges with my family that were also worth a read-over. Those were harder to delete.
But I am a procrastinator. It’s just a fact. Months where I had truly important things to do like a senior thesis, I had more posts than any other time. It’s really amazing to know that about yourself, but something else entirely to see it on a computer screen proven to you. This website is clutter. It is clutter in my mind and on my screens, and a constant worry about returning to days where I truly thought I had nothing better to do than sit here and reblog things that other people made and that other people thought up. My most popular post is a quote by someone I don’t know, saying shit that everyone already knows but had never said quite so eloquently. I should be doing more, and this website isn’t the place where I am going to make myself do that. In the five years of having this blog, I have been depressed and heartbroken, but I’m also now happier than at any other time of my life. I am also more comfortable with myself and my body than I have ever been in my 25 years, and for whatever reason I don’t tend to post the happy. I tend to live the happy. I should just continue to live the happy and stop feeling the need to post the same songs and photos over and over. It’s boring. This blog is boring. And I’m really not boring, you’ve got to believe me. But if I began this blog as a generally sad, sometimes happy, mostly stressed, not often original person, I don’t think I’ve ever taught myself how to post in any other way. How depressing.
But this place has been a solace for over five years. And that’s really hard to let go of. So while I am deleting posts from the end up to now, expect this to be the last personal thing I will ever contribute to youwerehere. If I am still a blog when it’s all over, that will be great, but if not, know that I have moved on to better times in my life. I have a life with a man who is so in love with every single impressive and every single disappointing part of me. He is what I want to spend my time with. What I never want to be distracted from. I live in a city that is nothing if not alive, with opportunity and creativity on every block. I have humongous trips planned and huge ideas and mostly I am determined to explore creativity in a new way. And I am going to be a better person for it.
Bye for now.